Apartment details

10 12 2007

Cost: ~$600 per month
Time: Next year
Deadline: Must know “by the week we get back”


I might as well come clean.

5 12 2007

Dear Mom/Blog,

Okay, when I say I am reading my <subject> texts, I AM LYING. I wish I were reading it, and I am glancing at it whenever I can remember they exist, which pretty much adds up to not reading them.

Today I read 18 pages of my nutrition. It is 4:32am; I just finished. That only leaves me 46 pages left! Plus my freaking notes!
I realized observing my behavior today that I really do have Serious brain problems. No, I am not trying to exaggerate for sympathy or anything, although yeah, I have wished all year long that there were some kind of understanding that could be reached. Recently I got pretty excited to read (Site A, Site B)that unusual sleep patterns are normal for gifted kids–either needing less sleep, or just having a permanently strange internal clock–but this is friggen’ ridiculous. I have to get up in time to study my notes for a 9:00 test a half an hour away [I set my alarm for 7:30, by the way, to allow time to look at my notes.], and going to bed at–well, my alarm clock probably says about 5:00 right now–is NOT going to be adequate. But tonight I observed myself–I finally lost interest in whatever I was so enraptured by online, so I started getting ready for my shower. It was shortly after midnight. You cannot imagine how proud I felt right now! I was finally beating the cycle, beating the insanity that had lasted my whole lifetime! I was finally making progress and I was going to finally come through for myself!!!!! Then, on my way to put on my flip-flops and take my things to the shower, I casually glanced at the screen. One or two hours later, standing stationary in front of the computer still in my socks, I realized–HOLY FRIGGEN SHIT I HAVE A TEST TOMORROW AND LOOK AT THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11one!1!

And–look, Mom, I know you are going to blow a fuse when you read this entry, and probably yell at me and tell me I should always actually do my friggen work and sleep and eat and study, but you know what? I have been telling myself to do those things for the entire duration of my school career to no avail, and I even bring God into it. (Dear God, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease help me to focus on my reading and get it done in time to read my notes!)

This makes me feel so hopeless. You know that feeling of just wanting to murder the life out of whatever is causing your problems so hard that it dies to death, and then you realize it is you? (Well, maybe you would not.) I think that might explain a lot of cutting incidents. But Violet is too sensible to cut at this stage of her life; instead she blogs about it so she can drag people into her problems who are already at their stress limits with their own, non-self-inflicted problems.

Sometimes I really wish I would just go comatose (for a few decades, perhaps) so I would no longer do this to myself and other people. Oh, come on, stop looking at me like that! I am not being a drama queen, I just honestly cannot think of a better way to deal with this? Can you? (OTHER THAN repeating the same crap I have been telling myself to do for ages now? It does not freaking work. I am broken.)

Violet Black

Vital Japanese phrases for the deranged

4 12 2007

First, a pronunciation key for general Japanese:
a = ah    i = ee (but very soft when it is not next to any vowels)    u = ooh ( also very soft by itself, most noticeably at the ends of common words)    e = eh    o = oh    ai = eye    ei = ‘ay    ou = ohhh    fu ~= hu    wo ~= something halfway between oh and whoa    any double vowel = just lengthen the syllable a bit

Kisama no ryoushin wo koroshite miteru.
I am trying to kill your parents, bastard!

Saa, sono pajama ga oishisou desu~!
Ooh, those pajamas look delicious!

Youkai no tomodachi wa “Kodomo wo tabeta hou ga ii da yo” to iimashita. Soshite, kodomo wa doko deshou ka?
My goblin friend(s) said, “It’s a good idea to eat children.” So, do you happen to know where there are children?

Watashi no musuko wo kaite kudasaimasen ka.
Won’t you please buy my son?

Bukkosha wo mirushi, chotto kawaii da yo.
I see dead people, and they’re kind of cute.

PMS rant of the night: Screw homework

6 11 2007

Dear Blog,

Contrary to the original plan, I am going to set my alarm for 10:00am and go to filmmaking class without a finished film. If the teacher asks, I will just tell her that I never heard the actual due date, and I will plan to work on it after Japanese class *shudder*. Then, after filmmaking class, I will do my Dict-A-Conversation Japanese homework.

I have no idea why, but my brain seems to slip in at least six hours of Internet time no matter what. I got back to my dorm for the first time at about 9:00pm tonight, and I am just about to take my shower.

I cried several times whilst brushing my teeth. You see, if it were somebody else killing me every night, I could feel some sort of comfortable, justifiable anger. But it is me. I am this incomprehensible monster that kills me day after day. Do you suppose I am in greater need of an exorcism or a lobotomy?

I may never understand what the hell my problem is. Maybe I will die this year; who knows? I cannot imagine that I will be able to keep up this kind of life forever, as if I would actually want to in the first place. Yet, there seems to be no exit. I am stuck here because I need to be here to survive, even though it turns out I am doing the opposite.

Mother says God always has a Plan B. I bet there is another Violet Black somewhere who can take over if anything happens to me.

Yes, I know Mom reads this, and I am not trying to be melodramatic. Okay, maybe I am, but it is not as though I expect you to do anything. What can you do? Even less than I can. (I still think an asylum would be a good idea…) I just sometimes need to project my feelings outward so as not to explode, you know? I bet in any environment, I would find a way to do this to myself, somehow or other.

I just wish my nonpremeditated suicide did not overlap with my precious grades so much, you know what I mean?

Over and out (5:37am),
Violet Black

Edit: After finally getting to bed at about 6:45, I think I was up for about 28 hours straight. ^^;;

Instead of schoolwork, I…

26 04 2007

Hi, I’m Steven! Did you just wake up?

No, wait, you’re almost awake. The hibernation thingy stopped and now you’re sleeping for real. I can tell ’cause I always feel tingly like this when I’m in somebody’s dream.

You’re a DC like me, aren’t you? 🙂

😦 No, not a District of Columbia. Or a direct current. You’re a designer child, remember? That’s the whole reason you guys had to leave on a spaceship. At least that’s what some of the other people here told me.

I didn’t leave on a spaceship, and I definitely wasn’t born on a spaceship like you were. I was born on Earth.

When I was on Earth, I lived in a really big house with five swimming pools and twenty-two ponies and lots and lots of toys. Mommy and Daddy owned a really big company that made designer kids like me! So I think living on a spaceship must be really boring.

But when you wake up you can get off. That’s nice. I don’t know if you can make a big house with five swimming pools and twenty-two ponies and lots of toys yet, though. Maybe you can, but maybe people are still just running around in the woods hunting animals and picking berries. I haven’t been out there in awhile.

It’s kind of hard for me to control where I go. I don’t know why that is.

It’s happened ever since I was seven. I don’t know how old I am now, but I think it’s a long time.

The first time it happened where I couldn’t control where I was going, I was sleeping in my bed and I heard a loud noise and then I started going upward and I couldn’t stop myself.

I really wanted to go back down because I could see Mommy hugging me and crying really, really hard. I don’t know why I could see me. I really wanted to tell her that everything’s gonna be okay, even though I didn’t know what she was crying for, but I couldn’t.

I miss her. I haven’t seen her since then.

I really want to go back to Earth and see my family again. I never would have wanted to go away in a spaceship. I know lots of designer kids got hurt on the news and it really scared me when they showed a picture of one without a head, but Daddy said we had some really good security guards and no one could come in and hurt me even if they wanted to, ever. Then I stopped hiding under my bed at night and let Mommy and Daddy tuck me in again. It was really nice back there and I didn’t want to go.

I don’t know why I had to fly away. Mommy and Daddy probably miss me.

And I miss my nanny and my puppies and my kitty and my hamster and my horses and my video games and my tutors and the butlers and the pool people and the maids and the other kids who came over whenever there was one of those fancy parties.

Except I don’t miss math. My tutors taught me lots of math because they said Daddy designed me really good at it, but I didn’t like math. But I still want to go home.

I wonder how long it’s been.

And you’re still sleeping. Don’t you want to wake up?

If you want you can practice moving around before you wake up. Hibernating a lot probably makes it hard for you to remember how to do things. Or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know.

I’m glad you guys finally found a place to get off the rocket. You were getting really scared about running out of food.

I don’t eat anymore. I don’t know why.

What are you looking at me like that for? Is there something on my face?

Oh, that. Yeah. It’s just a little ouch and it doesn’t even hurt. I can’t even remember where I got it. I’d put a band-aid on it but I’m not really good at moving stuff around anymore. Maybe you can help me with it later.

You’re going to wake up now? Okay, bye! It was nice meeting you!

You find yourself on the cryonics deck of a spaceship. Your health is 100/100.

Random quote

7 02 2007

“being a Mummy you only have to think about yourself. but being a Mommy you can’t. at all.” –my sister

Oh, and I have another comic strip planned out for after I get tomorrow’s homework done. Does anyone have a problem with kids falling down and presumably getting a bit hurt?

(The overall story arc is far worse than that, though. It is evil–unapologetically so.)

As long as I have no one else to talk to…

30 01 2007

Me: Once upon a time there was a potato which conquered the world.
GavnCraig: Did it remember its roots?

Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each other.
“Hey, watch where you’re going!”
“No, you watch where you’re going!”
“I can’t, I’m blind!”
“Hey, me too. What are you?”
“I don’t know, what are you?”
“I don’t know, either. How about we check each other out and see if we can figure out what we are?”
“OK, me first,” said the rabbit. The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out.
“Well, you’re warm, and soft, and furry, and you’ve got these long ears, and a nose that wiggles. I think you’re a rabbit!”
“Yes!” the rabbit exclaims. “I’m a rabbit, YEHHH !!”
“Yes, you must be! Now it’s my turn! Come check me out!!”
The rabbit then starts checking out the snake: “Ooohh — you’re cold and clammy, real slimy with little beady eyes, no forehead, and a tongue that’s going about 100 mph!”
“Oh, sh’t!” exclaims the snake, “I’m a lawyer!”

(That oddity was taken from here, although the site in general is not to my taste. I just found it through a Latin-phrase link.)

Man, I have to get back to work.

~La petite violete du noir