29 11 2007

Dear Blog,

I know I should be revising my Japanese essay right now, but it is looking at me furiously and trying to intimidate me away from touching it even after all this time.

So anyway, I felt like mentioning something odd I discovered two days ago.

There is this kid, “Roshi,” who is in my Japanese class, friends with my Japanese class friends, and also once seriously creeped me out by doing the prehensile-dolphin-genitals dance for everyone.
Roshi went with Hayley, Alisha, and me to…well, we were originally going to go to a place they called “Bubble Tea,” but after we got Chinese food (I ate rice!), we found it was closed, and instead we spent the evening tickling caged cats at the pet store (even Hayley, who is allergic), poking through one of those giant bookstore chains (where I just kind of planted myself by the manga and started reading a climactic scene from the last volume of Death Note) before Anime Club commenced. Along the way, I actually freaking talked! Go me!
Anyway, I found out in our various conversations that this Roshi and I both:
-would drop out of college if we were rich, and instead take all manner of unrelated classes at any colleges we wanted to with no pressure
-hope never to beget children
-want to dye our hair white, although I would have an easier time of it because my hair is already lightish
I am not sure if that was all of them or not, but I thought it was weird to have unusual things in common with someone. Heck, I find it weird when I have major things in common with people. People are…you know, alien.

Okay, I am not sure what the point was of writing this.

In other news, the Japanese language is still taunting me. I wonder if I should go to a tutorial session or something, or if I even can do so?

Violet Black

Postscript: I seriously want Mommy to search through my three-in-the-morning-in-my-nightie-in-the-bathroom-mirror photos in case there are any good ones that I can post on websites.


Quick note

7 11 2007

I have no toothbrush.

Also, bug me until I reserve a camera and buy film (somewhere).

I wish I knew how to put my stupid little demi-scene bits together in some useful manner.

I might get to bed before 3:30 tonight! YAY!!!!!

(I should post this on WrongPlanet, but…) Am I going to be a little girl forever?

3 11 2007

Dear Blog,

I know this belongs on a large forum where people who know about the subject will actually read it, but I am afraid to venture out there, and this needs to be said.

I am afraid that I will never grow up. I know I stopped wishing I had a young body once I got over my half-conscious misandry/self-loathing, and by extension my psychosomatic asexuality, but I am still not sure if I am an adult yet. For one thing, even before Margaret Sanger aborted my girlpower, I was uncomfortable being referred to as a woman. It just seemed like such a distant species to relate me to, even though I would by no means consider myself a man or feel at ease playing the role of one. So I asked myself, if I am a female, yet not a woman or a man, what do I think of myself as? I guess the answer was always a child. I never got over it somehow, or there was a hitch in the transition.

The thought and fear of my mental arrest came to me when I was brushing my teeth in preparation for my shower at about 6:30am (It is 6:49 right now and I plan to shower and go to bed right after I finish this entry) when I asked God why…why I feel so unpleasant, why I kill myself day after day…The answer was along the lines of, “You’re alone and scared, and you don’t know how to deal with priorities.” (The original wording, intonation and visual accompaniment were a bit more specific for my emotional system to make sense of than the mere transliteration here.) Then I cried, as I often do when God says something painfully accurate. *cries again* It is true, but I am twenty, for heaven’s sake! That ought to have been behind me almost a decade ago!

I am more scared than ever now, but for different reasons. It hurts Mom so badly to think she may not have brought me gracefully into adulthood as a parent is supposed to do, but this is not her fault in any way, it is something in me that might be no easier to fix than a spinal cord injury. I am so sorry, Mom. I am so sorry. I am very, very sorry.

I would bring up how I am going to handle adult life in general if I fail to mature an enormous way past this point, but I think this is enough stress for one entry. I am so very sorry, Mom.

Violet </3

The same plot?!

3 11 2007

Dear Blog,

Something depressing just happened. I realized that Naomi’s novel and Keni’s webcomic, both of which I have spent years planning, have almost identical plots, except with different amounts and timing of violence. Yet, after all that time invested, it would be difficult to give up either one… ;_; I love the characters too much (and definitely the parts of the world I have explored so far)… For example, Rinzii has no parallel in Naomi’s tale, nor do Ashorii, the psychotic nurses, or Rozetta the Hyperactive Mage. On the other hand, Naomi is not able to give her true subjective opinions in the comic, nor does the comic include Samekh or the wacky foreigners Naomi meets in her travels. (There are also a few crossover characters, such as Naomi, Keni, Mawata, Athena, and eventually adult Keni’s family.) But…to what degree will readers criticize the similarities of their journeys?

Maybe it is significant that Keni and Naomi handle their problems and solutions much differently–that is, Keni falls a lot harder but accepts help more readily, whereas in Naomi’s case it takes the loss of a close friend before anything changes, and even then she has trouble reforming her worldview.

Yes, I post all this without telling what the actual plots are.

Love and confusion,
Violet Black

Random note on things unrelated to my daily life

26 10 2007

Me (after reading some more articles on demons-will-claim-to-be-aliens-and-bring-back-the-Nephilim-through-UFO-abductee-sexual-abuse theory): God save the Nephilim!!!!!

God: Rahab the Prostitute.

Me: Oh, okay.

On a marginally related note, that alien-baby skull was finally given a good ol’ DNA test, and they found…nothing. Literally, they could not find its DNA. They are sure it is there somewhere, but all they found so far was its human mitochondria proving that it had a human mother. I wonder if it even has DNA. It has occurred to me before that a spirit being would not have much in the way of genes to give to a child, so I was always rather confused on the genetic makeup of a hybrid…

Do I sound like a nut? ^^’

Oh, well. As long as I probably do, how about “The Columbine Cause” by Evan Long suggesting that there were shooters besides the two who became nationally infamous (and possibly other surprising details that I have not gotten far enough to hear about)?

Still up late…

25 10 2007

Dear Blog,

I thought I would get to bed early tonight (at last!!!!!), but I got out of the shower at about 1:30 and am still not done with my Japanese homework. In fact, I am a little bit stuck–I tried googling the proper honorific politeness level to use when speaking to a parent, but to no avail.

[Update: I am now finished and ready to turn in. It is 3:14. Better than 6:00, eh?)

In other news, massive sleep deprivation combined with the scariness of this conspiracy theory have spawned a plot to found an experimental socialist dictatorship in Antarctica where doctors from all over the world would be hired to keep a sizable bunch of random formerly-unhealthy third world refugees alive and healthy for as long as possible, with all factors and results being broadcast internationally (and serious financial consequences for employees who screw up). Yay Antarctica! Nobody owns it yet, right?

I wonder how much more sleep deprivation is required before I start hallucinating.

I am still stressing over my homework. Other than my unfinished Japanese, I also have test corrections on a Filmmaking class exam that I have…not started yet. The class is tomorrow. There also might be a lengthy assignment involving splicing other people’s discarded film together to produce a certain variety of well-executed cuts–which, for reasons beyond my control, I was unable to get started on in class–and this assignment might be due either tomorrow or a week from tomorrow. I E-mailed the teacher to ask which. It frustrated me a lot that I had on one to look over my E-mail to make sure it was appropriately worded.

Speaking of appropriate wordings, I should definitely get back to my Japanese.

Thank you for reading this, Imaginary Fan Who Does Not Exist But Apparently Overcomes That Limitation Enough To Read My Innermost Thoughts.

Violet Black

I suck at life.

24 10 2007

Dear Blog,

Today I took a 10-question quiz in History of Animation. I knew three of the answers and filled out seven. I think I am going to get a horrible overall grade in that class (from many consecutive weeks of ignorance), lose my scholarships, and live in a box. It did not help that while he was lecturing, I freaking TRIED to take notes but could not because he had the lights off most of the time: Not only could I not see the paper in front of me while he rambled, but I could not for the life of me stay awake long enough to catch any important information.
It was kind of mortifying to look at the test and just plain not know the answers. For example, one of the questions was, “Who other than <random name> used a wax-slicing machine to make his animations?” Well, I certainly remember learning about that guy, and I also remember a few details about his career. But what the hell was his name? It was not Walt Disney, Chuck Jones, or Tex Avery, so I honestly have no clue. Pretty much everything in that class that I did not hear five minutes earlier WHILE AWAKE leaves my mind like a sieve.

I need to get some sleep one of these days. Not that it would perfect my overall retention, but still…maybe it would make me less irritable about everything. I have been snapping at my computer nonstop for the past few days.

Thank you for listening, darling electrons,
Violet Black