I might as well come clean.

5 12 2007

Dear Mom/Blog,

Okay, when I say I am reading my <subject> texts, I AM LYING. I wish I were reading it, and I am glancing at it whenever I can remember they exist, which pretty much adds up to not reading them.

Today I read 18 pages of my nutrition. It is 4:32am; I just finished. That only leaves me 46 pages left! Plus my freaking notes!
I realized observing my behavior today that I really do have Serious brain problems. No, I am not trying to exaggerate for sympathy or anything, although yeah, I have wished all year long that there were some kind of understanding that could be reached. Recently I got pretty excited to read (Site A, Site B)that unusual sleep patterns are normal for gifted kids–either needing less sleep, or just having a permanently strange internal clock–but this is friggen’ ridiculous. I have to get up in time to study my notes for a 9:00 test a half an hour away [I set my alarm for 7:30, by the way, to allow time to look at my notes.], and going to bed at–well, my alarm clock probably says about 5:00 right now–is NOT going to be adequate. But tonight I observed myself–I finally lost interest in whatever I was so enraptured by online, so I started getting ready for my shower. It was shortly after midnight. You cannot imagine how proud I felt right now! I was finally beating the cycle, beating the insanity that had lasted my whole lifetime! I was finally making progress and I was going to finally come through for myself!!!!! Then, on my way to put on my flip-flops and take my things to the shower, I casually glanced at the screen. One or two hours later, standing stationary in front of the computer still in my socks, I realized–HOLY FRIGGEN SHIT I HAVE A TEST TOMORROW AND LOOK AT THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11one!1!

And–look, Mom, I know you are going to blow a fuse when you read this entry, and probably yell at me and tell me I should always actually do my friggen work and sleep and eat and study, but you know what? I have been telling myself to do those things for the entire duration of my school career to no avail, and I even bring God into it. (Dear God, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease help me to focus on my reading and get it done in time to read my notes!)

This makes me feel so hopeless. You know that feeling of just wanting to murder the life out of whatever is causing your problems so hard that it dies to death, and then you realize it is you? (Well, maybe you would not.) I think that might explain a lot of cutting incidents. But Violet is too sensible to cut at this stage of her life; instead she blogs about it so she can drag people into her problems who are already at their stress limits with their own, non-self-inflicted problems.

Sometimes I really wish I would just go comatose (for a few decades, perhaps) so I would no longer do this to myself and other people. Oh, come on, stop looking at me like that! I am not being a drama queen, I just honestly cannot think of a better way to deal with this? Can you? (OTHER THAN repeating the same crap I have been telling myself to do for ages now? It does not freaking work. I am broken.)

Violet Black




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