Contrary to the original plan, I am going to set my alarm for 10:00am and go to filmmaking class without a finished film. If the teacher asks, I will just tell her that I never heard the actual due date, and I will plan to work on it after Japanese class *shudder*. Then, after filmmaking class, I will do my Dict-A-Conversation Japanese homework.
I have no idea why, but my brain seems to slip in at least six hours of Internet time no matter what. I got back to my dorm for the first time at about 9:00pm tonight, and I am just about to take my shower.
I cried several times whilst brushing my teeth. You see, if it were somebody else killing me every night, I could feel some sort of comfortable, justifiable anger. But it is me. I am this incomprehensible monster that kills me day after day. Do you suppose I am in greater need of an exorcism or a lobotomy?
I may never understand what the hell my problem is. Maybe I will die this year; who knows? I cannot imagine that I will be able to keep up this kind of life forever, as if I would actually want to in the first place. Yet, there seems to be no exit. I am stuck here because I need to be here to survive, even though it turns out I am doing the opposite.
Mother says God always has a Plan B. I bet there is another Violet Black somewhere who can take over if anything happens to me.
Yes, I know Mom reads this, and I am not trying to be melodramatic. Okay, maybe I am, but it is not as though I expect you to do anything. What can you do? Even less than I can. (I still think an asylum would be a good idea…) I just sometimes need to project my feelings outward so as not to explode, you know? I bet in any environment, I would find a way to do this to myself, somehow or other.
I just wish my nonpremeditated suicide did not overlap with my precious grades so much, you know what I mean?
Over and out (5:37am),
Edit: After finally getting to bed at about 6:45, I think I was up for about 28 hours straight. ^^;;