Maybe I just have a sleep disorder.

23 10 2007

Dear Blog,

This is how it was today. I got little sleep last night, as usual. I spent the rest of the day exhausted and trying to catch naps at every opportunity. (I really wish I had more time between classes and dinner!) However, after dinner, I felt only a little bit tired, and for some reason I had a mental block that prevented me from making a move to prepare myself for bed. At around 3:00, I finished my shower and started on tomorrow’s essay. At about 4:00, I stopped looking up Soviet Russia reversal jokes and got back to typing. Now I have actually got a large chunk of the essay done, but I am wondering if there is something wrong with me that prevents me from ever synchronizing my sleep patterns with the infernal rays of dawn. For that matter, it is difficult for me to both get up and fall asleep. Is my body adamantly insisting that I follow that peculiar sleep cycle of long-rest long-awakeness short-rest long-awakeness long-rest, as was found in test subjects who were isolated underground from daylight? Maybe my body is immune to daylight. I heard of people like that, especially among the hikikomori population. I know I definitely have hikikomori genes.

How the hell do I cope with this?

I wonder if this is something a life partner, or even a doctor could straighten out. Mother’s best solution is telling me over and over again, “Go to bed on time!” which is about as effective as telling a crackhead, “Don’t smoke anymore, okay?” Once Mom actually said, “Don’t make me pray for you!” at which time I decided I am probably pretty low on her priority list if she is not even praying about my vital life-supporting functions. Just what the dickens does she pray about?

So yeah…sometimes I am not sure whether I am more worried about the fact that I am killing myself every single day and night, or about the fact that nobody seems to both care and have the capacity to stop it at the same time, including me.

Love and death,
Violet Black

Edit: sounds kind of familiar, especially in light of one of Mom’s recent remarks: “Don’t you feel tired by the evening?” However, I have been collecting Wikipedia articles about “disorders” that describe my precise behavior in a number of functional areas for awhile, which does not mean she will actually LOOK AT them. Even when they are right in front of her with penciled-in notes and she is setting them out of the way. HELLO, MAYBE I REALLY HAVE REASONS FOR THE WAY I ACT OTHER THAN CONSCIOUSLY TRYING TO MAKE YOU CRY!!!!! DID THAT EVER OCCUR TO YOU????? Never mind, I am getting emotional and I should turn in soon.

Edit 2: Or maybe I am just an evil little girl who uses her own body as a weapon to bring misery upon the misguided people who care about her. That seems to be the message I have been getting consistently since childhood.




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