Random note on things unrelated to my daily life

26 10 2007

Me (after reading some more articles on demons-will-claim-to-be-aliens-and-bring-back-the-Nephilim-through-UFO-abductee-sexual-abuse theory): God save the Nephilim!!!!!

God: Rahab the Prostitute.

Me: Oh, okay.

On a marginally related note, that alien-baby skull was finally given a good ol’ DNA test, and they found…nothing. Literally, they could not find its DNA. They are sure it is there somewhere, but all they found so far was its human mitochondria proving that it had a human mother. I wonder if it even has DNA. It has occurred to me before that a spirit being would not have much in the way of genes to give to a child, so I was always rather confused on the genetic makeup of a hybrid…

Do I sound like a nut? ^^’

Oh, well. As long as I probably do, how about “The Columbine Cause” by Evan Long suggesting that there were shooters besides the two who became nationally infamous (and possibly other surprising details that I have not gotten far enough to hear about)?

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Still up late…

25 10 2007

Dear Blog,

I thought I would get to bed early tonight (at last!!!!!), but I got out of the shower at about 1:30 and am still not done with my Japanese homework. In fact, I am a little bit stuck–I tried googling the proper honorific politeness level to use when speaking to a parent, but to no avail.

[Update: I am now finished and ready to turn in. It is 3:14. Better than 6:00, eh?)

In other news, massive sleep deprivation combined with the scariness of this conspiracy theory have spawned a plot to found an experimental socialist dictatorship in Antarctica where doctors from all over the world would be hired to keep a sizable bunch of random formerly-unhealthy third world refugees alive and healthy for as long as possible, with all factors and results being broadcast internationally (and serious financial consequences for employees who screw up). Yay Antarctica! Nobody owns it yet, right?

I wonder how much more sleep deprivation is required before I start hallucinating.

I am still stressing over my homework. Other than my unfinished Japanese, I also have test corrections on a Filmmaking class exam that I have…not started yet. The class is tomorrow. There also might be a lengthy assignment involving splicing other people’s discarded film together to produce a certain variety of well-executed cuts–which, for reasons beyond my control, I was unable to get started on in class–and this assignment might be due either tomorrow or a week from tomorrow. I E-mailed the teacher to ask which. It frustrated me a lot that I had on one to look over my E-mail to make sure it was appropriately worded.

Speaking of appropriate wordings, I should definitely get back to my Japanese.

Thank you for reading this, Imaginary Fan Who Does Not Exist But Apparently Overcomes That Limitation Enough To Read My Innermost Thoughts.

Love,
Violet Black





I suck at life.

24 10 2007

Dear Blog,

Today I took a 10-question quiz in History of Animation. I knew three of the answers and filled out seven. I think I am going to get a horrible overall grade in that class (from many consecutive weeks of ignorance), lose my scholarships, and live in a box. It did not help that while he was lecturing, I freaking TRIED to take notes but could not because he had the lights off most of the time: Not only could I not see the paper in front of me while he rambled, but I could not for the life of me stay awake long enough to catch any important information.
It was kind of mortifying to look at the test and just plain not know the answers. For example, one of the questions was, “Who other than <random name> used a wax-slicing machine to make his animations?” Well, I certainly remember learning about that guy, and I also remember a few details about his career. But what the hell was his name? It was not Walt Disney, Chuck Jones, or Tex Avery, so I honestly have no clue. Pretty much everything in that class that I did not hear five minutes earlier WHILE AWAKE leaves my mind like a sieve.

I need to get some sleep one of these days. Not that it would perfect my overall retention, but still…maybe it would make me less irritable about everything. I have been snapping at my computer nonstop for the past few days.

Thank you for listening, darling electrons,
Violet Black





As long as it is before my bedtime, another quick entry-rant thing

24 10 2007

Dear Blog,

It occurred to me tonight that probably the only topics that could make me crush a beverage container are autism and abortion. This came up when observing that The Ex-Long-Haired-Kid is in a Facebook group supporting partial-birth abortions (a.k.a. vacuuming out a preterm-but-not-completely-delivered baby’s brains out until her skull collapses). It was, in fact, the very same group that ate my girlpower whole, crapped it out, and peed on it for good measure–the group that inspired my refusal to allow anyone to refer to me by the word “woman”. So anyway, I was thinking about the subject (which is probably not physically healthy for an already-stressed body) as long as showers give me ample opportunity for reflection. This occurred to me: Mother was sick when I was born. When she sacrificed her medication for my sake, she got horribly anemic to the point where I was expected to be born retarded. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED. By the grace of God (whose ways are most definitely incomprehensible to humanity…o_0), here I am. So when these people talk about how kiddies should be dismembered/salinated/brain-drained for various reasons, they are talking ABOUT ME. If my mother had been any other person or had a different kind of past, I WOULD BE DEAD. What right do they have to want me dead? (As an interesting but irrelevant note, one guy in the abortion group started ranting about how the sanctity of life is religious crap, and that it interferes with a person’s right to their body. Wait a minute, I have a right to my body but not the right to keep my body alive? In what universe is that remotely logical?) And somehow those feelings of very severely wanting to break something reminded me of an identical negative rush I got in one of those Facebook groups where atheists who have been kicked out of every party within a hundred miles of their hometowns sit around and bait Christians. A certain individual happened to say, in his contribution to a long list of reasons they refuse to believe in God, said, “I refuse to believe in a God who knows that the autism rate is skyrocketing and isn’t doing anything to stop it!” Excuse me, little boy, but this is YOUR DOMAIN. YOU can go buy the gun your GOD-FORSAKING SELF and come put the bullet in me YOURSELF so you can get rid of these horrible genes that just happen to make me smarter than you (oh, the horror!). (For bonus points, try willing your hedonistic flesh to get rid of me when I am wearing something tight.)

Yeah…all this emotion. At least I have an outlet.

Thanks for listening, mindless electrons!
~Violet Black

Postscript: Yes, yes it is 5:31am and yes, I do have a 9:00 class on the other campus. Stop looking at me like that, mindless electrons.





Brief update

24 10 2007

Dear Blog,

I am not depressed anymore. Sure, I am still killing myself slowly and whatnot, but I am cool with it (for some reason).

I spent the time after Japanese class with Hayley…playing the Sims, going to the cafeteria, baking cookies, visiting other people’s dorms, and of course attending anime club. I am doing friend stuff like a human bean! ❤

In other news, The Ex-Long-Haired-Kid, alias “Dan” among Earth creatures, glimpsed my panties because my stupid clothes like to sag on me. D*** clothes, they fit fine when I got them. This turn of events distresses me, especially after I figured out that Random Dorm Occupant Dan = The (now-Ex-)Long-Haired-Kid and began caring whether he formed any opinions of me. Because people who have at any point in their lives had long hair are not allowed to observe me or my undergarments. It is the law.

Love of some sort,
Violet Black





Maybe I just have a sleep disorder.

23 10 2007

Dear Blog,

This is how it was today. I got little sleep last night, as usual. I spent the rest of the day exhausted and trying to catch naps at every opportunity. (I really wish I had more time between classes and dinner!) However, after dinner, I felt only a little bit tired, and for some reason I had a mental block that prevented me from making a move to prepare myself for bed. At around 3:00, I finished my shower and started on tomorrow’s essay. At about 4:00, I stopped looking up Soviet Russia reversal jokes and got back to typing. Now I have actually got a large chunk of the essay done, but I am wondering if there is something wrong with me that prevents me from ever synchronizing my sleep patterns with the infernal rays of dawn. For that matter, it is difficult for me to both get up and fall asleep. Is my body adamantly insisting that I follow that peculiar sleep cycle of long-rest long-awakeness short-rest long-awakeness long-rest, as was found in test subjects who were isolated underground from daylight? Maybe my body is immune to daylight. I heard of people like that, especially among the hikikomori population. I know I definitely have hikikomori genes.

How the hell do I cope with this?

I wonder if this is something a life partner, or even a doctor could straighten out. Mother’s best solution is telling me over and over again, “Go to bed on time!” which is about as effective as telling a crackhead, “Don’t smoke anymore, okay?” Once Mom actually said, “Don’t make me pray for you!” at which time I decided I am probably pretty low on her priority list if she is not even praying about my vital life-supporting functions. Just what the dickens does she pray about?

So yeah…sometimes I am not sure whether I am more worried about the fact that I am killing myself every single day and night, or about the fact that nobody seems to both care and have the capacity to stop it at the same time, including me.

Love and death,
Violet Black

Edit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_syndrome sounds kind of familiar, especially in light of one of Mom’s recent remarks: “Don’t you feel tired by the evening?” However, I have been collecting Wikipedia articles about “disorders” that describe my precise behavior in a number of functional areas for awhile, which does not mean she will actually LOOK AT them. Even when they are right in front of her with penciled-in notes and she is setting them out of the way. HELLO, MAYBE I REALLY HAVE REASONS FOR THE WAY I ACT OTHER THAN CONSCIOUSLY TRYING TO MAKE YOU CRY!!!!! DID THAT EVER OCCUR TO YOU????? Never mind, I am getting emotional and I should turn in soon.

Edit 2: Or maybe I am just an evil little girl who uses her own body as a weapon to bring misery upon the misguided people who care about her. That seems to be the message I have been getting consistently since childhood.





I want to go where I can’t kill me.

17 10 2007

Dear Blog,

If you have been following my life for the past year or so, you probably know that I am in the process of committing a slow and undeliberate suicide by way of starvation, sleep deprivation, and possibly stress. (Starvation is no longer the threat it once was now that I have discovered shrink-wrapped tuna and the Governor’s cafeteria.)

But seriously now, it is 5:07 5:19am. I have a class on the South Campus at 9:00am, followed by two other classes (one of which has unfinished homework due and the other which probably has a quiz). The next day, I have a midterm in Japanese. I am also behind in my assigned reading by several chapters in two of my textbooks. I guess I have no willpower whatsoever. I know that part of the reason I was up so late tonight was that I did not get in my online time earlier today, having stayed around the academic spine region after my last class for an advisement, food, and anime club. I got back at about 11:00 and promptly resumed my regularly scheduled websurfing.

I may be even more depressed from having read a forum thread by a Le Vey Satanist who insists that he does not want to go to heaven (or anywhere, for that matter) because he is perfectly happy being unhappy (o_0?) .

Then I logged off, took a shower, and started thinking about how nice it would be to just cut class for a few weeks, take a backpack full of snacks and beverages as well as a very large self-defensive weapon, and just retreat into a very quiet corner of the woods somewhere to start my freaking webcomic already. Then I realized I would need toilet paper and various other items, and the whole thing fell through. (Not to mention the fact that having sabotaged my academic progress, I would of course have to live in the box for the rest of my life.) There is no friggen’ escape, I tell ya.

I know I should not be this depressed–not like my best friend died or anything–but the fact that I do not even have a “best friend” to help me not find new and unnecessary ways to kill myself with negligence kind of…bugs me a little.

Love?,
Violet Black