Must be the self-help tapes.

17 09 2007

Dear Blog,

I feel okay.

I am still going to fail my filmmaking class and die, but the guilt over it has dissipated. Today, after I had returned from my first class and brought the filmmaking equipment back over to the Center for the Arts where it would have to be returned in an hour, I quickly shot a film consisting of various shots of my own hands. I did the lighting as well as I knew how and recorded every shot on a piece of (now-dirty) lined paper. I gave my very best effort, and I think I did a decent job.

Then I asked the equipment-returning people where to go to unload the film. It was 10 minutes before noon, when everything is due back. They lent me a key to a dark photo-developing room, where I poked around with the camera in the dark. It was there that I made the sickening discovery that even though I thought I had fixed the messed-up film the night before, part of it was actually broken off, so the vast majority of it was still either on the original roll or in a horrible tangle inside the camera. Thus my efforts were for naught.

But hell. You cannot expect anyone to do better than their best, and I did my best.

Must be the self-help tapes.

There are a few statements on there saying that success is the peace of knowing I did my best, I am contented knowing I did my best, I handle problems by proceeding with my very best effort, etc. Cognitively, to this day I still think it sounds like crap, but…wow. It is actually having an effect on me. I am starting to live according to the tapes. It is weird, and I am still going to starve to death and die, but at least I can die knowing that I did everything I could.

Violet Black




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